To You

There’s this page in my leather-bound notebook- the one I only ever write in when I have something important to say, that lists down all the things that I like about you. At that point, I wrote without realizing what it meant, just knowing that at some subconscious level, my heart found it important to list down and make sense of all that I was feeling.

I think these were things that the world already saw, and knew before I did what it meant. It wasn't so hard really, I just complicate my life with over-analyzing everything. Its funny how I remained so stubborn and adamant to the 'just friends' label, because no way in hell were we 'just friends'. Madness. And I thought I was so obscure and unreadable; Nope. Plus, being an enigma is over-rated anyway, and I'm done being inscrutable because I just don't care about these things anymore.

Among the things listed in the book were:

· You make me smile. All day.

· When you say something, you mean it.

· So when you tell me I’m beautiful, I believe you, even when I pretend I don’t.

· You’re not cheesy, and I like that a lot.

· You know me better than (someone I can’t mention) because you say- “its that time of the day again isn’t it?” when it is.

· You know the time of day (i.e. when I go crazy, when I go for classes, when I read or watch t.v, or when I get emo...)

· When I ask you insignificant things at 1.30 a.m. like “should I was my hair?” you say things like “ I don’t know. But whenever I get a message at this hour, I’m pretty sure its you.”

· You give me music :) and you wear your black slim jeans with converse.

· Because you listen and let me win arguments.

· Because you encourage me to be all things great, and you're not threatened by it.

· Because you believe in me.

· You drive. A lot.

· You stuck around, even after I told you I didn’t want to be with you. And that’s really something, because it says you stuck around for me, not just to be with me.

...and more really cheesy, irksome things that people won't want to read.

There were so many times in the past where I would talk in analogy and metaphors, and make heavy my sentences about things I didn’t want people to know, but while talking with Jo yesterday, he reminded me about how it was always a writer’s responsibility to tell stories, and write what feelings are like, and the things that are the hardest to do.

So whenever I would bury behind flowery sentences in posts that don’t mean anything, it was because I was talking about you. All that sentimental, heart-puddle, make-me-melt moments, where the states you sent me in fool! This is time to make clear that every analogy I ever gave, every hidden, well-meaning sentence was for you, and because I was too confused to make certain what I knew. It was a misshapen situation really, it was all "help me out here heart", I couldn’t keep it in and couldn’t let me out, so I resorted to that.

And you know what?

The real kicker was finding someone that wanted to be with me even after knowing that at times I’m irrational, and weak, or that I am a hypocrite and judgmental, and maybe just plain mental.

You’ve always accepted that this was who I was, and always let me be me- The dreamer, overachiever, control freak, moody and just not very pretty. I think you’re retarded that you would want someone like me, or to stick around for so long, no offense.

It took me long enough, but I guess I finally realized what was in front of me the whole time. I have it real good, probably even go as far as to say that I’m the luckiest girl alive. Because every, single time I think about you or talk about you with my friends, I’m so, incredibly, unbelievable content and at peace with the world- and contentment is not something you find very often.

See people are often happy, and crazy over the moon, but those things don’t last and people come back down to earth again. So right here, right now, you know you have it good when you’re on earth, you’re on the ground, and there’s no where else you’d rather be.

Its the satisfaction in knowing that I have something real here, and its good, and its what I’ve been looking for all along. Someone who knows me completely, and loves me for it all. No need for pretending or great feats and acts of love and romance. The romance was built day by day, in conversations, random messages here and there, witty one liners, and smiley faces. And it’s always been this way, even when we were still friends. You know me, stubbornly, I never picked up on this. I would talk about music and how it gives me life, and you gave me music of the best kind. I think its reached a point where you made it on my wall, and that’s a great place to be.

You’re the first person I can honestly say I love without any hint of “really? Are you sure heart?” or wondering if I actually do. It was so easy, so natural to say, and I wasn't afraid.

Its just you.

Thanks for being my friend. And I’m glad you’re a boy so you can be my boyfriend.

love,

Jowee